Lately

Dec 15: It rained and the color of the leaves stood out so vibrantly against the grey skies. I drove through some 20,000 acre deep puddle during the 5 second hail and I couldn't see for 2 seconds; I thought was going to crash. This is finally my hello to winter. Life's been good. Horrible things are happening, but they aren't affecting me very much. Maybe I've just become immune. Whatever, I want to enjoy my last i-live-with-my-parents winter break and the company of the kids I grew up with, right here in my suburban hometown.

Dec 18: I need my positive mentality to stay with me! At least for the next couple of weeks. The reason for my constant lack of money? Well, I spent over 300 dollars on 6 Christmas presents. I have a bad habit of always give more than I can afford to. Honestly, that's the only good thing about myself. (Giving, that is.) I am once again the worst person I can ever be, and the only thing I can compare myself to is the monster living inside the father described in Bukowski's poems. At least the weather has finally changed, which means soon I will too. I'm going to laugh the night away tomorrow, and I'm going to love it.

Dec 20: godamn i just worked a 7 hour shift and am running on 3 hours of sleep. I have a shitload of work hours and a shitload of work to do this break but I'm not even stressed out. I am so in love with my friends and my life right now. i just love and love it all! On the drive home I started giggling like an idiot by myself while thinking about last night. I had such a good time.

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Here's to today:
This is the first day all break I've been able to stay in my house all day. It's only 7:31 PM, and the day's already a blur. I recall a bit of cleaning, drawing, reading, tv-watching, and eating. Christmas Day and my birthday were both wonderful. I love my blood family as well as my chosen family. I'm 18. I bought a lotto ticket and need to finish checking off my to-do list. I got presents this year, yes I did. I now have a Canon Rebel Xsi, among other great things from my beloved friends. Ohhhhh what to do with all this love! All I have to say is thank you my brothers and sisters. Thank you for everything.

Here goes my hypocrisy

My biggest problem, even when I have the best in the world, is the permanent feeling of distance. It's been there since the beginning of my time, and I don't know if I will ever learn how to patch it up.

I often trick myself into believing people care for me more than they do. I mean honestly, if I were anybody else but me, I would hate myself. I don't show affection very well. Sometimes I don't understand why I even have friends.



Nevertheless, the simple fact that Annie came to my mall concert made me happy. Not even my parents watch my concerts.

Brooke and Annie visited me at work today. It made the time a little better.

Finally!

My finger bones are stiff, my feet are cold, and I use four blankets at night! I've been waiting for the cold weather all year long. I'm excited for the holidays and in a way, even my birthday. I have no reason to anticipate my birthday but I always have that small bit of hope. That's something I always am: a little bit hopeful.

But I think maybe it'll be different this year. I have great friends and an overall positive mentality. Besides, according to the government, I become an adult in 20 days. It's a bit exciting....yet frightening at the same time. I'm so young...I'm so old.

I want to get away and part of me wants to go off to college to "start over" like most people want, but honestly, I'd rather not. I'm not ready to begin a new chapter in my life. I just love everybody so much. I'm finally content with my chosen family and I'm not ready to give them up. I haven't been given enough time.

Whatever, I'll just have to wait to see where the fall of the spring season takes me.

Can I just say

I'm sick of pretending and pretending and pretending, but it must be in my nature to throw a little laughter into everything I say. I'm fucking fed up with myself. This is why nobody knows me. This is why people distance themselves from me. I'm kicking and screaming internally and I know I need to let the devil out...but who am I to talk to? Everybody? My sister? My best friends? I'd rather talk to a stranger, but no strangers are around. No, who am I left to talk to? Nobody. But. Myself. What the hell is wrong with me....

Can you believe it?

Every year I surprise myself with new changes from the prior year. There really is no stopping. I guess everything about me changes with the seasons. Sure I appear a bit bipolar but I don't care. I'm easily satisfied by everybody except for the 3 family members I live with. It takes adjustment, coming home to a waiting dad, to a house that isn't empty. I know I'm an independent person. I keep my expectations low and prefer self dependency so I won't have anybody but myself to blame at the end of the day.

Annie and I had a talk while the video played during English class on Friday. Boys and boys and boys. I don't romantically want a man in my life. Things are going too well and I don't need anybody to mess it up for me. Sure, I sometimes let my mind wander to the point where I think I want a boyfriend, but in truth, I really don't. Unless it's Edward Cullen. It's nights like Saturday that assured me I'm happy, assured me that I'm strong, assured me I'm never alone.

Sometimes I forget

I'm truly living the good life.

I'm so giddy right now I don't know what to do with myself. My manager made me the biggest cup of Mochalatta today. I cleaned my bathroom and wiped the mirrors because I have so much energy. How stupid is that of me to drink so much caffeine during the night? It definitely doesn't help with my sleeping issues...oh well. I feel good.

Can you guess what I'm doing right now? Yes I'm sitting here typing...but I'm also smiling. Bruises-Chairlift is playing on my iTunes and it makes me happy. I feel like I'm on cocaine. I'm so happy. I want to give thanks to those who put up with my insanity last week. I'm okay now. Today's been the most productive day and I'm very pleased with myself. It's also been a very good, chill weekend. Maybe I'm just looking on the bright side. I like looking on the bright side. Keep it coming keep it coming keep it coming.

What is this? I feel hurt. I feel hearbroken without a cause. Is it the music? Is it the journals? I don't get this. I don't get it this all.

I want to take a puppy on a walk. I miss Frosty.

PS: I blog too much.
PPS: Although it was light fun, yesterday's noon hours made up for the bad days.

Is this a pattern?

I'm going crazy. Really, I am. I know I should talk about the whats that are bothering me but I don't want to, mostly because it takes too much effort and I don't care enough. I cannot spend excess time with anybody until my situations are organized because otherwise I will bring everybody down. I already see the beginning of the negative influences of my attitude. I need to get my shit together before I return to the bubbly/happy person I am so often described as. I need to get my shit together right now.

On a lighter note,

I've been makin some $$$ money.

EDIT:
Just kidding. I need my check NOW because I owe the bank $58.27 and my sister $20.

I just went a bit crazy last night. I can handle it, I always do.

I'm still tired though
and I'm still mad at myself.


PS: I wish everyone would just be fucking happy. If everyone were happy, I'd be happy too. I mean that. Yeah, every day is a new day, but only when it reaches the middle. Every day begins and ends the same, and I never forget to put on my face. If the curtains raised for me, my "colors" would not shine through. The achromatics would be burning through instead, and I would unintentionally bring everybody I love down.

PPS: Attempts at college essays made me realize I don't know how to depict a sense of humor or happiness with words. I do have a sense of humor, I have a childish sense of humor. Why does everything I say sound so negative?

I fell, twice last week
But fuck the world, with nobody's help I'm back on my feet without one bent knee. I'm the new Titanic and I dare you to try and bring me down again.

i am having a horrible week and it has only been two days. I want to cry but I can't cry, I want to sleep but I can't sleep. I don't want to talk about it. I don't like talking about troubles because I like laughing! I like singing! Why? Because laughing makes me happy. I feel as if I'm falling backwards. I don't want corrupted ideas. I don't want to lose anybody. What's worse than somebody leaving you by a death or a move from home is somebody leaving you by choice. I don't want it to ever happen to me ever again. I'm not confident enough in my portrayed personality to believe that those that I love will choose to stay in my life. I can see you getting to know me and unwrapping my personality only to take an early exit from my life. How is it possible to know somebody to the core of their bones? You can't. I don't believe it. That's how it's always been, and even though I've held onto these people longer than I have most, who knows what will happen? I love you all, and I hope you don't leave me. What hurts me the most is seeing my friends hurt. I can't deal with it. If you cry, I'll cry. If you're angry, I'm angry. If you're happy, I'm happy too. I'm the activist. Not only do I care, I contribute. I will be the first to attempt a cheer up, lend a hand to a paralyzed girl, pull over if I see somebody hurt. I'm not afraid to help but If I can't help, I'll beat myself up for it. I will never learn how to stop blaming myself. Sometimes I think I'm heartless, but I'm not. It has, in truth, too many people in it for my own good.

I am listening to "Over and Over" over and over and over again.

Sometimes I don't know what to expect
sometimes I think I am too optimistic, too hopeful
sometimes too pessimistic, too without confidence

When in doubt, look up,
expect the unexpected,
and remember to acknowledge that not every consequence is self-caused, that the world works in mysterious ways.
"Nobody knows everything"
I wish I had all the answers, but then I would only be cheating.
If the answers were laid out in front of me, I would consume them all. Every single one. I would consume until no questions were left and soon after REGRET IT ALL.



I don't like cheating, but sometimes I can't help myself.


PS: I can't wait to sleep tonight.

raining ash

Today was just one dragged out day...but I liked it. The ashes painted the sky orange. It looked like fall, and it is fall. I felt like I was in middle school again, breathing in the trashed air. I love fire. I hope nobody died. If someone died, I'll feel bad.

I finished a college essay today and I feel so accomplished. I enjoyed writing it. I did my english homework and I even made note cards, but I wrote the definitions perpendicular to the lines so it looks messy. I'm just a naturally messy person. Annie is such a contrast of who I am. She's neat and detail-oriented and she takes her time. I'm not, and I don't.

I'm applying to schools in SF, Chicago, and nearby cities. My art class was so much fun today-Erika(the prof) left 30 minutes after I got there (and I walked in 30 minutes late, too), but I decided to stay since I already wasted my gas getting there. I chatted up with Dani and Connor and thought to myself, hey, this isn't so bad.

Again, I ended up admitting I'm only about 18. Shocks all around...

Maybe I will settle with a year or two at Moorpark College. Too bad by the time I attend next fall, everyone a bit more mature will already be gone. I might as well keep it an option though and save up to 40 grand. Why the FUCK is art education so expensive? I also hate I have to settle with a type of commercial job in order to make money. Artists writers and teachers contribute so much more to society than our average businessman/lawyer/other socially accepted job.

PS: The winds scared me. It felt like my car was going to be blown away.

Brooke and I are going to take the train to SF in November! I'm just so excited to stay with Rachel and spend a weekend in my favorite city. can't wait can't wait can't wait

I could vent for hours today.

Freshly discovered pet peeve: destruction of my hard work/commitment

DESTROYING MY HARD WORK IS NOT OKAY. NOBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE MY WORK AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE IT THEIR OWN. I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I did not know it would be such a big deal, but you would think that after I committed so much time out of my own free will to devote myself to becoming an editor for a journal, my decisions would be respected. NOT THROWN DOWN THE DRAIN. I would never take a 50 hour painting and "fix" it with my own details. No, It is not okay at all at all at all.

The weekend was great and filled with laughter. I took my last SAT of my entire life, spent a day and night at relay for life, and went to the music gives benefit show). This was my first time attending relay for life and it will apparently be the year of "firsts" in the sense of school related events...since I attended my first high school football game, bought my first school-related piece of clothing, ordered my first Westlake High School yearbook, and will be attending my first homecoming and prom. It felt so nice to fall asleep without delay last night.

I always forget that I am still in high school until I'm in an environment like the benefit show. I mean INDIE FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL much? I hate it. I wish I could be a full-time student at Moorpark rather than also take classes like I am at Westlake. I guess I could have chosen the option to do so, but then I would be missing out on the Prom/yearbook/senior year experience I am genuinely enjoying. So much for hating high school-I mean, while others learn to hate it, I learned to love it.

PS: Don't get me wrong, I had a good time at the show.

THANK YOU grey skies cold hands

You are just what I needed and that is all I needed to say.

Oh my dear wonderful Autumn weather

Hurry up will you? I am only waiting for your orange and yellow and brown painted leaves to fall and bury the visible grounds of my backyard. Winter is my sunshine. And sunshine is my hell.

PS: I need a good cry. My eyes are broken in the sense that tears no longer faucet and I guess I need a fucking plumber to fix it. Or to break my heart.

I'm a pessimistic piece of shit mixed in with a bit of sunshine. Hello!

torn between two worlds

I have spent too many wasted hours questioning my own emotional state.
Happiness vs. Sadness. All these years and I still can't differentiate my own contrasting feelings apart. I am putting my foot down, starting now. When ambiguity shows itself during analyzation of my own state of being, I'm setting the weight of my mind immediately down on Happiness. Fuck it. I'm saying it.

"I'm happy."
and this weekend was great.

Let me just say
I've lost faith
I'm an inconsistent mess
and I have 83 different personalities.


As for faith, I would love to get it back
but it's just never coming home. Trust me, I've tried.
(Despite all that, I don't see the past half year as a waste of precious time)
And let me just say,
I'm my own person
Don't let me down. Don't let me down.
I'm an inconsistent mess
But at least I'm my own person.
Good night, Sleep tight, I hope those bed bugs chew up your fucking bones.

Peace and Love,
Vivian

I am at last having trouble keeping all frustration introverted.

i hate him so much it strains my throat and i don't know how to deal with it.

Even since my last most recent post, I feel like a re birthed person. Beliefs, ideas, outlooks, interests, etc.
No wonder people don't ever know me...I'm a 10,000 piece puzzle to even my own mind.

I can't stop drawing.
I need to let my fast paced mind slow down so I can sit down and blissfully paint. PATIENCE.

I wish I could've just accepted that scholarship and have gone to OTIS for the summer...

And I'm so selective about outings now. Finding a job is so difficult. I just wanted to be a student art instructor but it's not working out, hence my settling down for any other job as long as it ain't sketchy. Even Starbucks, a job requiring dealing with picky coffee drinkers sounds decent right now.

Let's go on a date. No really....

Rat Year

Last night I went to Paseo nails with Katie and Sarah Dee! It was relaxing, besides the minor pains and how the last workers basically kicked us out of the salon which it was halirioussss. After that, we went to Natural Cafe for dinner and I discovered the best smoothie ever, compliments to Sarah for suggesting it. I enjoyed myself (:
Tonight was the New Year's performance and Miko, Max, and Gracie were nice enough to accompany me. I'm glad they enjoyed it! (:
It was so much fun seeing everyone and their hard work, and it was awesome reuniting with people I hadn't seen in a long time.

I'm so disappointed in certain people lately- friendships and such. Oh well. I know we're only human. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone again that actually notices when I need a friend and cares.

I care too much for the people in my life. I guess that should be a positive thing, but boy it brings me down.

But whatever. Right now, I'm excellent.

Love,
Vivian

mt. freeway

My day began off with hitting my head on Brooke's locker. It was hilarious but I had a feeling that the occurrence would initiate a series of unfortunate events and that it was a sign that my day would only go down hill. During first period I ran into the corner really hard and that left a bruise, it was extremely painful for an entire minute which sounds like nothing but at the time it felt like torture bahaha. The rest of the day was fine. Lunch was fun and entertaining, but spending time with friends usually is. That is until 6th period...when I received my first test score for math in this semester (failing score) and 7th period when I went to the office to schedule an appt. with my counselor but the lady at the desk was completely two-sided; a bitch to me, a sweetheart to Annie. Way random! That was okay though too, since Annie basically laughed at me for the next half hour. Sheee makes my day sometimes.
But later on my printer didn't work, I ran out of time and didn't get a chance to stay at Borders to pick out anything besides Gatsby, my tripod and camera fell off my passenger seat which made a loud bang and distracted me from my driving-which caused me to hit an island right off the freeway exit (which probably scared all the drivers around me) and I think it totally messed up the tire alignments for the 3rd time :|

All that happened before 5:30 pm. But I was like whatever, It's cool.

Fortunately, my sister's fish burgers and my photoshoot with Jen totally made my day. Jen and I drove around locally looking for good areas to shoot, even though our tripods were annoying, my lense got all wet, and it was raining and wet outside. I thought it would be cool though, with the light reflections and everything. So we chilled and had cold stones and ended up freezing our noses off on the top of the freeway WIND AND RAIN. I felt like I was in the snow! It made my day.

:)

Love,
Vivian

I hate ups and downs. I don't even know what brought me down but I always think too much when I'm driving alone. And that short drive home caught me, even though coming home from spending time with friends usually pull out the best of me. The worst feeling is the deep fall that suddenly occurs after holding up a huge weight of happiness. It sucks to know you're going to lose somebody who loves and cares for you with all their heart from the day you were born. It sucks to think I don't even know him sometimes.

I'm learning to change and struggling to keep up with myself and my mind's waterfall. I just want to get out there that I am proud of all the changes I have gone through and that I'm truly sorry for anytime I have ever brought negativity in any of your lives and for how shitty i used to be and i promise you, that person is gone.

Hi, my name is Vivian.

On a lighter note, Jo, Birdie I got free pancakes at IHOP today and Birde and I donated money for the organization. I don't even like pancakes but oh man those were amazing, I have to say!

Hmph, Valentine's Day in two days.

Bliss.

Last night was wonderful! Just like past days again. I'm very happy about it. (:

Where did January go?

Life is as beautiful as you want it to be.

i'm trying to see every situation as meant to happen "everything happens for a reason". I feel a slow withdrawal from my faith and i don't like it. Too close yet too far, I'm scared to confide everything inem. I need a boost. and someone I can talk to.

blehbleh

it's so annoying how the majority of people i know focus so much on either fitting in or being "original". or fitting in by being "unique", and vice versa. And it's even more annoying when fake people believe themselves to be genuine by disliking other fake people when they themselves are not genuine. or more mature/better than everyone around them. i'm not making any sense. bhalkjs;lkj


i hate how i'm shy sometimes.
and school begins tomorrow.

I’ve always had infatuations with the strangest things. Like mummies. and skeletons. Well maybe not skeletons per say, but the skeletal system. It’s so intriguing the way the radius crosses over the ulna when the wrist is twisted. They don’t move in an aligned manner, one bone crosses over the other. It’s like a claustrophobic mess beneath our layers of muscle. I wonder what it’d be like to be a living thing inside the human body. Like a cell. White blood cell. Yo, I’m Osmosis Jones.