i am having a horrible week and it has only been two days. I want to cry but I can't cry, I want to sleep but I can't sleep. I don't want to talk about it. I don't like talking about troubles because I like laughing! I like singing! Why? Because laughing makes me happy. I feel as if I'm falling backwards. I don't want corrupted ideas. I don't want to lose anybody. What's worse than somebody leaving you by a death or a move from home is somebody leaving you by choice. I don't want it to ever happen to me ever again. I'm not confident enough in my portrayed personality to believe that those that I love will choose to stay in my life. I can see you getting to know me and unwrapping my personality only to take an early exit from my life. How is it possible to know somebody to the core of their bones? You can't. I don't believe it. That's how it's always been, and even though I've held onto these people longer than I have most, who knows what will happen? I love you all, and I hope you don't leave me. What hurts me the most is seeing my friends hurt. I can't deal with it. If you cry, I'll cry. If you're angry, I'm angry. If you're happy, I'm happy too. I'm the activist. Not only do I care, I contribute. I will be the first to attempt a cheer up, lend a hand to a paralyzed girl, pull over if I see somebody hurt. I'm not afraid to help but If I can't help, I'll beat myself up for it. I will never learn how to stop blaming myself. Sometimes I think I'm heartless, but I'm not. It has, in truth, too many people in it for my own good.

I am listening to "Over and Over" over and over and over again.

Sometimes I don't know what to expect
sometimes I think I am too optimistic, too hopeful
sometimes too pessimistic, too without confidence

When in doubt, look up,
expect the unexpected,
and remember to acknowledge that not every consequence is self-caused, that the world works in mysterious ways.
"Nobody knows everything"
I wish I had all the answers, but then I would only be cheating.
If the answers were laid out in front of me, I would consume them all. Every single one. I would consume until no questions were left and soon after REGRET IT ALL.



I don't like cheating, but sometimes I can't help myself.


PS: I can't wait to sleep tonight.

raining ash

Today was just one dragged out day...but I liked it. The ashes painted the sky orange. It looked like fall, and it is fall. I felt like I was in middle school again, breathing in the trashed air. I love fire. I hope nobody died. If someone died, I'll feel bad.

I finished a college essay today and I feel so accomplished. I enjoyed writing it. I did my english homework and I even made note cards, but I wrote the definitions perpendicular to the lines so it looks messy. I'm just a naturally messy person. Annie is such a contrast of who I am. She's neat and detail-oriented and she takes her time. I'm not, and I don't.

I'm applying to schools in SF, Chicago, and nearby cities. My art class was so much fun today-Erika(the prof) left 30 minutes after I got there (and I walked in 30 minutes late, too), but I decided to stay since I already wasted my gas getting there. I chatted up with Dani and Connor and thought to myself, hey, this isn't so bad.

Again, I ended up admitting I'm only about 18. Shocks all around...

Maybe I will settle with a year or two at Moorpark College. Too bad by the time I attend next fall, everyone a bit more mature will already be gone. I might as well keep it an option though and save up to 40 grand. Why the FUCK is art education so expensive? I also hate I have to settle with a type of commercial job in order to make money. Artists writers and teachers contribute so much more to society than our average businessman/lawyer/other socially accepted job.

PS: The winds scared me. It felt like my car was going to be blown away.

Brooke and I are going to take the train to SF in November! I'm just so excited to stay with Rachel and spend a weekend in my favorite city. can't wait can't wait can't wait

I could vent for hours today.

Freshly discovered pet peeve: destruction of my hard work/commitment

DESTROYING MY HARD WORK IS NOT OKAY. NOBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE MY WORK AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE IT THEIR OWN. I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I did not know it would be such a big deal, but you would think that after I committed so much time out of my own free will to devote myself to becoming an editor for a journal, my decisions would be respected. NOT THROWN DOWN THE DRAIN. I would never take a 50 hour painting and "fix" it with my own details. No, It is not okay at all at all at all.

The weekend was great and filled with laughter. I took my last SAT of my entire life, spent a day and night at relay for life, and went to the music gives benefit show). This was my first time attending relay for life and it will apparently be the year of "firsts" in the sense of school related events...since I attended my first high school football game, bought my first school-related piece of clothing, ordered my first Westlake High School yearbook, and will be attending my first homecoming and prom. It felt so nice to fall asleep without delay last night.

I always forget that I am still in high school until I'm in an environment like the benefit show. I mean INDIE FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL much? I hate it. I wish I could be a full-time student at Moorpark rather than also take classes like I am at Westlake. I guess I could have chosen the option to do so, but then I would be missing out on the Prom/yearbook/senior year experience I am genuinely enjoying. So much for hating high school-I mean, while others learn to hate it, I learned to love it.

PS: Don't get me wrong, I had a good time at the show.

THANK YOU grey skies cold hands

You are just what I needed and that is all I needed to say.

Oh my dear wonderful Autumn weather

Hurry up will you? I am only waiting for your orange and yellow and brown painted leaves to fall and bury the visible grounds of my backyard. Winter is my sunshine. And sunshine is my hell.

PS: I need a good cry. My eyes are broken in the sense that tears no longer faucet and I guess I need a fucking plumber to fix it. Or to break my heart.