Can I just say

I'm sick of pretending and pretending and pretending, but it must be in my nature to throw a little laughter into everything I say. I'm fucking fed up with myself. This is why nobody knows me. This is why people distance themselves from me. I'm kicking and screaming internally and I know I need to let the devil out...but who am I to talk to? Everybody? My sister? My best friends? I'd rather talk to a stranger, but no strangers are around. No, who am I left to talk to? Nobody. But. Myself. What the hell is wrong with me....

Can you believe it?

Every year I surprise myself with new changes from the prior year. There really is no stopping. I guess everything about me changes with the seasons. Sure I appear a bit bipolar but I don't care. I'm easily satisfied by everybody except for the 3 family members I live with. It takes adjustment, coming home to a waiting dad, to a house that isn't empty. I know I'm an independent person. I keep my expectations low and prefer self dependency so I won't have anybody but myself to blame at the end of the day.

Annie and I had a talk while the video played during English class on Friday. Boys and boys and boys. I don't romantically want a man in my life. Things are going too well and I don't need anybody to mess it up for me. Sure, I sometimes let my mind wander to the point where I think I want a boyfriend, but in truth, I really don't. Unless it's Edward Cullen. It's nights like Saturday that assured me I'm happy, assured me that I'm strong, assured me I'm never alone.

Sometimes I forget

I'm truly living the good life.

I'm so giddy right now I don't know what to do with myself. My manager made me the biggest cup of Mochalatta today. I cleaned my bathroom and wiped the mirrors because I have so much energy. How stupid is that of me to drink so much caffeine during the night? It definitely doesn't help with my sleeping issues...oh well. I feel good.

Can you guess what I'm doing right now? Yes I'm sitting here typing...but I'm also smiling. Bruises-Chairlift is playing on my iTunes and it makes me happy. I feel like I'm on cocaine. I'm so happy. I want to give thanks to those who put up with my insanity last week. I'm okay now. Today's been the most productive day and I'm very pleased with myself. It's also been a very good, chill weekend. Maybe I'm just looking on the bright side. I like looking on the bright side. Keep it coming keep it coming keep it coming.

What is this? I feel hurt. I feel hearbroken without a cause. Is it the music? Is it the journals? I don't get this. I don't get it this all.

I want to take a puppy on a walk. I miss Frosty.

PS: I blog too much.
PPS: Although it was light fun, yesterday's noon hours made up for the bad days.

Is this a pattern?

I'm going crazy. Really, I am. I know I should talk about the whats that are bothering me but I don't want to, mostly because it takes too much effort and I don't care enough. I cannot spend excess time with anybody until my situations are organized because otherwise I will bring everybody down. I already see the beginning of the negative influences of my attitude. I need to get my shit together before I return to the bubbly/happy person I am so often described as. I need to get my shit together right now.

On a lighter note,

I've been makin some $$$ money.

EDIT:
Just kidding. I need my check NOW because I owe the bank $58.27 and my sister $20.