happy?

The pain from my smiles and the sound of my laughter is driving me insane. I may just be numb, but if that were the case, the whole world would be wrong and I'd be the only skeptical one. I'm the happiest person in the world, but then again, how often is the majority right. See why I'm always confused? I still can't tell my emotions apart. 

And don't you dare stereotype every questioning case of mine as a typical teenage phase. Or actually, go ahead because i really should try not to care. I say, I love my life.

....right?

PS: I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FALL ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

i am

a bit confused about it all.

love,
vivian

PS: happy new year

Lately

Dec 15: It rained and the color of the leaves stood out so vibrantly against the grey skies. I drove through some 20,000 acre deep puddle during the 5 second hail and I couldn't see for 2 seconds; I thought was going to crash. This is finally my hello to winter. Life's been good. Horrible things are happening, but they aren't affecting me very much. Maybe I've just become immune. Whatever, I want to enjoy my last i-live-with-my-parents winter break and the company of the kids I grew up with, right here in my suburban hometown.

Dec 18: I need my positive mentality to stay with me! At least for the next couple of weeks. The reason for my constant lack of money? Well, I spent over 300 dollars on 6 Christmas presents. I have a bad habit of always give more than I can afford to. Honestly, that's the only good thing about myself. (Giving, that is.) I am once again the worst person I can ever be, and the only thing I can compare myself to is the monster living inside the father described in Bukowski's poems. At least the weather has finally changed, which means soon I will too. I'm going to laugh the night away tomorrow, and I'm going to love it.

Dec 20: godamn i just worked a 7 hour shift and am running on 3 hours of sleep. I have a shitload of work hours and a shitload of work to do this break but I'm not even stressed out. I am so in love with my friends and my life right now. i just love and love it all! On the drive home I started giggling like an idiot by myself while thinking about last night. I had such a good time.

-----------------------------
Here's to today:
This is the first day all break I've been able to stay in my house all day. It's only 7:31 PM, and the day's already a blur. I recall a bit of cleaning, drawing, reading, tv-watching, and eating. Christmas Day and my birthday were both wonderful. I love my blood family as well as my chosen family. I'm 18. I bought a lotto ticket and need to finish checking off my to-do list. I got presents this year, yes I did. I now have a Canon Rebel Xsi, among other great things from my beloved friends. Ohhhhh what to do with all this love! All I have to say is thank you my brothers and sisters. Thank you for everything.

Here goes my hypocrisy

My biggest problem, even when I have the best in the world, is the permanent feeling of distance. It's been there since the beginning of my time, and I don't know if I will ever learn how to patch it up.

I often trick myself into believing people care for me more than they do. I mean honestly, if I were anybody else but me, I would hate myself. I don't show affection very well. Sometimes I don't understand why I even have friends.



Nevertheless, the simple fact that Annie came to my mall concert made me happy. Not even my parents watch my concerts.

Brooke and Annie visited me at work today. It made the time a little better.

Finally!

My finger bones are stiff, my feet are cold, and I use four blankets at night! I've been waiting for the cold weather all year long. I'm excited for the holidays and in a way, even my birthday. I have no reason to anticipate my birthday but I always have that small bit of hope. That's something I always am: a little bit hopeful.

But I think maybe it'll be different this year. I have great friends and an overall positive mentality. Besides, according to the government, I become an adult in 20 days. It's a bit exciting....yet frightening at the same time. I'm so young...I'm so old.

I want to get away and part of me wants to go off to college to "start over" like most people want, but honestly, I'd rather not. I'm not ready to begin a new chapter in my life. I just love everybody so much. I'm finally content with my chosen family and I'm not ready to give them up. I haven't been given enough time.

Whatever, I'll just have to wait to see where the fall of the spring season takes me.

Can I just say

I'm sick of pretending and pretending and pretending, but it must be in my nature to throw a little laughter into everything I say. I'm fucking fed up with myself. This is why nobody knows me. This is why people distance themselves from me. I'm kicking and screaming internally and I know I need to let the devil out...but who am I to talk to? Everybody? My sister? My best friends? I'd rather talk to a stranger, but no strangers are around. No, who am I left to talk to? Nobody. But. Myself. What the hell is wrong with me....

Can you believe it?

Every year I surprise myself with new changes from the prior year. There really is no stopping. I guess everything about me changes with the seasons. Sure I appear a bit bipolar but I don't care. I'm easily satisfied by everybody except for the 3 family members I live with. It takes adjustment, coming home to a waiting dad, to a house that isn't empty. I know I'm an independent person. I keep my expectations low and prefer self dependency so I won't have anybody but myself to blame at the end of the day.

Annie and I had a talk while the video played during English class on Friday. Boys and boys and boys. I don't romantically want a man in my life. Things are going too well and I don't need anybody to mess it up for me. Sure, I sometimes let my mind wander to the point where I think I want a boyfriend, but in truth, I really don't. Unless it's Edward Cullen. It's nights like Saturday that assured me I'm happy, assured me that I'm strong, assured me I'm never alone.