I'm a pessimistic piece of shit mixed in with a bit of sunshine. Hello!

torn between two worlds

I have spent too many wasted hours questioning my own emotional state.
Happiness vs. Sadness. All these years and I still can't differentiate my own contrasting feelings apart. I am putting my foot down, starting now. When ambiguity shows itself during analyzation of my own state of being, I'm setting the weight of my mind immediately down on Happiness. Fuck it. I'm saying it.

"I'm happy."
and this weekend was great.

Let me just say
I've lost faith
I'm an inconsistent mess
and I have 83 different personalities.


As for faith, I would love to get it back
but it's just never coming home. Trust me, I've tried.
(Despite all that, I don't see the past half year as a waste of precious time)
And let me just say,
I'm my own person
Don't let me down. Don't let me down.
I'm an inconsistent mess
But at least I'm my own person.
Good night, Sleep tight, I hope those bed bugs chew up your fucking bones.

Peace and Love,
Vivian

I am at last having trouble keeping all frustration introverted.

i hate him so much it strains my throat and i don't know how to deal with it.

Even since my last most recent post, I feel like a re birthed person. Beliefs, ideas, outlooks, interests, etc.
No wonder people don't ever know me...I'm a 10,000 piece puzzle to even my own mind.

I can't stop drawing.
I need to let my fast paced mind slow down so I can sit down and blissfully paint. PATIENCE.

I wish I could've just accepted that scholarship and have gone to OTIS for the summer...

And I'm so selective about outings now. Finding a job is so difficult. I just wanted to be a student art instructor but it's not working out, hence my settling down for any other job as long as it ain't sketchy. Even Starbucks, a job requiring dealing with picky coffee drinkers sounds decent right now.

Let's go on a date. No really....

Rat Year

Last night I went to Paseo nails with Katie and Sarah Dee! It was relaxing, besides the minor pains and how the last workers basically kicked us out of the salon which it was halirioussss. After that, we went to Natural Cafe for dinner and I discovered the best smoothie ever, compliments to Sarah for suggesting it. I enjoyed myself (:
Tonight was the New Year's performance and Miko, Max, and Gracie were nice enough to accompany me. I'm glad they enjoyed it! (:
It was so much fun seeing everyone and their hard work, and it was awesome reuniting with people I hadn't seen in a long time.

I'm so disappointed in certain people lately- friendships and such. Oh well. I know we're only human. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone again that actually notices when I need a friend and cares.

I care too much for the people in my life. I guess that should be a positive thing, but boy it brings me down.

But whatever. Right now, I'm excellent.

Love,
Vivian

mt. freeway

My day began off with hitting my head on Brooke's locker. It was hilarious but I had a feeling that the occurrence would initiate a series of unfortunate events and that it was a sign that my day would only go down hill. During first period I ran into the corner really hard and that left a bruise, it was extremely painful for an entire minute which sounds like nothing but at the time it felt like torture bahaha. The rest of the day was fine. Lunch was fun and entertaining, but spending time with friends usually is. That is until 6th period...when I received my first test score for math in this semester (failing score) and 7th period when I went to the office to schedule an appt. with my counselor but the lady at the desk was completely two-sided; a bitch to me, a sweetheart to Annie. Way random! That was okay though too, since Annie basically laughed at me for the next half hour. Sheee makes my day sometimes.
But later on my printer didn't work, I ran out of time and didn't get a chance to stay at Borders to pick out anything besides Gatsby, my tripod and camera fell off my passenger seat which made a loud bang and distracted me from my driving-which caused me to hit an island right off the freeway exit (which probably scared all the drivers around me) and I think it totally messed up the tire alignments for the 3rd time :|

All that happened before 5:30 pm. But I was like whatever, It's cool.

Fortunately, my sister's fish burgers and my photoshoot with Jen totally made my day. Jen and I drove around locally looking for good areas to shoot, even though our tripods were annoying, my lense got all wet, and it was raining and wet outside. I thought it would be cool though, with the light reflections and everything. So we chilled and had cold stones and ended up freezing our noses off on the top of the freeway WIND AND RAIN. I felt like I was in the snow! It made my day.

:)

Love,
Vivian