I could vent for hours today.

Freshly discovered pet peeve: destruction of my hard work/commitment

DESTROYING MY HARD WORK IS NOT OKAY. NOBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO TAKE MY WORK AWAY FROM ME AND MAKE IT THEIR OWN. I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I did not know it would be such a big deal, but you would think that after I committed so much time out of my own free will to devote myself to becoming an editor for a journal, my decisions would be respected. NOT THROWN DOWN THE DRAIN. I would never take a 50 hour painting and "fix" it with my own details. No, It is not okay at all at all at all.

The weekend was great and filled with laughter. I took my last SAT of my entire life, spent a day and night at relay for life, and went to the music gives benefit show). This was my first time attending relay for life and it will apparently be the year of "firsts" in the sense of school related events...since I attended my first high school football game, bought my first school-related piece of clothing, ordered my first Westlake High School yearbook, and will be attending my first homecoming and prom. It felt so nice to fall asleep without delay last night.

I always forget that I am still in high school until I'm in an environment like the benefit show. I mean INDIE FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL much? I hate it. I wish I could be a full-time student at Moorpark rather than also take classes like I am at Westlake. I guess I could have chosen the option to do so, but then I would be missing out on the Prom/yearbook/senior year experience I am genuinely enjoying. So much for hating high school-I mean, while others learn to hate it, I learned to love it.

PS: Don't get me wrong, I had a good time at the show.

THANK YOU grey skies cold hands

You are just what I needed and that is all I needed to say.

Oh my dear wonderful Autumn weather

Hurry up will you? I am only waiting for your orange and yellow and brown painted leaves to fall and bury the visible grounds of my backyard. Winter is my sunshine. And sunshine is my hell.

PS: I need a good cry. My eyes are broken in the sense that tears no longer faucet and I guess I need a fucking plumber to fix it. Or to break my heart.

I'm a pessimistic piece of shit mixed in with a bit of sunshine. Hello!

torn between two worlds

I have spent too many wasted hours questioning my own emotional state.
Happiness vs. Sadness. All these years and I still can't differentiate my own contrasting feelings apart. I am putting my foot down, starting now. When ambiguity shows itself during analyzation of my own state of being, I'm setting the weight of my mind immediately down on Happiness. Fuck it. I'm saying it.

"I'm happy."
and this weekend was great.

Let me just say
I've lost faith
I'm an inconsistent mess
and I have 83 different personalities.


As for faith, I would love to get it back
but it's just never coming home. Trust me, I've tried.
(Despite all that, I don't see the past half year as a waste of precious time)
And let me just say,
I'm my own person
Don't let me down. Don't let me down.
I'm an inconsistent mess
But at least I'm my own person.
Good night, Sleep tight, I hope those bed bugs chew up your fucking bones.

Peace and Love,
Vivian