Oh my dear wonderful Autumn weather

Hurry up will you? I am only waiting for your orange and yellow and brown painted leaves to fall and bury the visible grounds of my backyard. Winter is my sunshine. And sunshine is my hell.

PS: I need a good cry. My eyes are broken in the sense that tears no longer faucet and I guess I need a fucking plumber to fix it. Or to break my heart.

I'm a pessimistic piece of shit mixed in with a bit of sunshine. Hello!

torn between two worlds

I have spent too many wasted hours questioning my own emotional state.
Happiness vs. Sadness. All these years and I still can't differentiate my own contrasting feelings apart. I am putting my foot down, starting now. When ambiguity shows itself during analyzation of my own state of being, I'm setting the weight of my mind immediately down on Happiness. Fuck it. I'm saying it.

"I'm happy."
and this weekend was great.

Let me just say
I've lost faith
I'm an inconsistent mess
and I have 83 different personalities.


As for faith, I would love to get it back
but it's just never coming home. Trust me, I've tried.
(Despite all that, I don't see the past half year as a waste of precious time)
And let me just say,
I'm my own person
Don't let me down. Don't let me down.
I'm an inconsistent mess
But at least I'm my own person.
Good night, Sleep tight, I hope those bed bugs chew up your fucking bones.

Peace and Love,
Vivian

I am at last having trouble keeping all frustration introverted.

i hate him so much it strains my throat and i don't know how to deal with it.

Even since my last most recent post, I feel like a re birthed person. Beliefs, ideas, outlooks, interests, etc.
No wonder people don't ever know me...I'm a 10,000 piece puzzle to even my own mind.

I can't stop drawing.
I need to let my fast paced mind slow down so I can sit down and blissfully paint. PATIENCE.

I wish I could've just accepted that scholarship and have gone to OTIS for the summer...

And I'm so selective about outings now. Finding a job is so difficult. I just wanted to be a student art instructor but it's not working out, hence my settling down for any other job as long as it ain't sketchy. Even Starbucks, a job requiring dealing with picky coffee drinkers sounds decent right now.

Let's go on a date. No really....

Rat Year

Last night I went to Paseo nails with Katie and Sarah Dee! It was relaxing, besides the minor pains and how the last workers basically kicked us out of the salon which it was halirioussss. After that, we went to Natural Cafe for dinner and I discovered the best smoothie ever, compliments to Sarah for suggesting it. I enjoyed myself (:
Tonight was the New Year's performance and Miko, Max, and Gracie were nice enough to accompany me. I'm glad they enjoyed it! (:
It was so much fun seeing everyone and their hard work, and it was awesome reuniting with people I hadn't seen in a long time.

I'm so disappointed in certain people lately- friendships and such. Oh well. I know we're only human. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone again that actually notices when I need a friend and cares.

I care too much for the people in my life. I guess that should be a positive thing, but boy it brings me down.

But whatever. Right now, I'm excellent.

Love,
Vivian