"respect your elders"

I enjoyed myself tonight, and last night, and I'm assuming I'll enjoy tomorrow as well.

Yet I'm continuously disrespected and fed up with what's expected of me. Here's what I have to say:

A. You are so stressfully discontented and unfortunately still don't appreciate what I do for you.

B. I can't look up to you when you act like you're still 19.

C. HA ...HA .HA. HA.

D. At least I feel like myself right now.

E. THIS I DON'T NEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I see fireflies against a dark blue sky in my mind when I close my eyes, and all 5 of them, drawn to the glowing candle and knowing that they are seconds away from Death, refuse to fight the temptation. If fireflies don't have brains (?), how can they feel the pain of the heat? They can't. But you know, the most beautiful time of a firefly's life is the moment following the touch of the wings to the flame: the lifeless fall to the ground. I feel like a firefly, except I am always fighting my temptations.

i should probably

-be more sensitive

-somehow obtain willpower and tolerance

-focus on inner-happiness

-show affection

-show emotion

-settle with the fact that I'm happy without question

blablabalalalblaalalblala 

I think I'm a rock

.....A grey stone, with those glue-on crazy eyes. Oh hey.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick of myself.

weights

it's been good. I'm overloaded with unfinished businesses this week but I'm dealing alright. I don't know what I would do without Brooke! Honestly. I don't laugh with anybody like I do with her, and I already laugh a ridiculous lot on a regular basis. You really wouldn't understand.

I do need to get back into my artwork again though. I've been slacking but I never want to forget what I love to do. Passing by others, I am constantly flooded with frustration because the work before them I cannot call my own. It's honestly the most annoying emotion in the world.

happy?

The pain from my smiles and the sound of my laughter is driving me insane. I may just be numb, but if that were the case, the whole world would be wrong and I'd be the only skeptical one. I'm the happiest person in the world, but then again, how often is the majority right. See why I'm always confused? I still can't tell my emotions apart. 

And don't you dare stereotype every questioning case of mine as a typical teenage phase. Or actually, go ahead because i really should try not to care. I say, I love my life.

....right?

PS: I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO FALL ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

i am

a bit confused about it all.

love,
vivian

PS: happy new year

Lately

Dec 15: It rained and the color of the leaves stood out so vibrantly against the grey skies. I drove through some 20,000 acre deep puddle during the 5 second hail and I couldn't see for 2 seconds; I thought was going to crash. This is finally my hello to winter. Life's been good. Horrible things are happening, but they aren't affecting me very much. Maybe I've just become immune. Whatever, I want to enjoy my last i-live-with-my-parents winter break and the company of the kids I grew up with, right here in my suburban hometown.

Dec 18: I need my positive mentality to stay with me! At least for the next couple of weeks. The reason for my constant lack of money? Well, I spent over 300 dollars on 6 Christmas presents. I have a bad habit of always give more than I can afford to. Honestly, that's the only good thing about myself. (Giving, that is.) I am once again the worst person I can ever be, and the only thing I can compare myself to is the monster living inside the father described in Bukowski's poems. At least the weather has finally changed, which means soon I will too. I'm going to laugh the night away tomorrow, and I'm going to love it.

Dec 20: godamn i just worked a 7 hour shift and am running on 3 hours of sleep. I have a shitload of work hours and a shitload of work to do this break but I'm not even stressed out. I am so in love with my friends and my life right now. i just love and love it all! On the drive home I started giggling like an idiot by myself while thinking about last night. I had such a good time.

-----------------------------
Here's to today:
This is the first day all break I've been able to stay in my house all day. It's only 7:31 PM, and the day's already a blur. I recall a bit of cleaning, drawing, reading, tv-watching, and eating. Christmas Day and my birthday were both wonderful. I love my blood family as well as my chosen family. I'm 18. I bought a lotto ticket and need to finish checking off my to-do list. I got presents this year, yes I did. I now have a Canon Rebel Xsi, among other great things from my beloved friends. Ohhhhh what to do with all this love! All I have to say is thank you my brothers and sisters. Thank you for everything.